Oh, I wanted to stay angry....embarrassingly, I thought it was my right. This is my daughter after all. But even after typing the previous post the Lord had already begun to work on my heart. I still don't understand it all....but I don't have to... because I know the One who does and I can trust Him.
We have said it all along that God may very well be setting the stage to show His glory in this....but last weekend I just couldn't see past the nose on my face. I was broken over the magnitude of it all.
We moms (and dads) feel like we have to fix it when our children are sick, or sad, or hurt, or upset, don't we? When they ache, oh how we ache too. Somehow I got caught up in trying to fix what I know I cannot fix and I lost sight that our Heavenly Father aches when we ache too. I got wrapped up in the enormity of having to make the decision for surgery and when would be the best time (is there ever a best time for surgery?) and so on and so on.
And then I became frustrated and angry, and in the middle of it all, the Lord encouraged me to trust Him once again. I found that child-like faith again. If the timing of the surgery is not His timing, then He will change it. If the procedure is not the right procedure for Rachel, then the Great Physician will see to it that other arrangements are made. If the plans that have been made are right and in Rachel's best interest, then the doors will remain open. There is much relief and peace in handing that all over to Him once again. He knows this heart of mine too well though. It is my nature to jump into action on behalf of my daughters...but I am reminded that He is not slow to action either and His was are always the best. I choose to trust Him.
I have talked about L.B. Cowman's devotional, "Streams in the Desert" so many times before but in my anger I missed a day. My mom lovingly called me the next day and asked if I had read it. She said that it should have been titled, "My Dear Kristi...."
I picked up the Word for September 20th and sobbed. Oh, how timely is the Lord!
I know that it is long, but if you would like to read it too, I will post it below. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging comments and cards. I am so blessed by all of you.
September 20, Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11:40)
"Mary and Martha could not understand what their Lord was doing. Each of them had said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (vv.21, 32). And behind their words we seem to read their true thoughts: "Lord, we do not understand why you waited so long to come or how you could allow the man you love so much to die. We do not understand how you could allow such sorrow and suffering to devastate our lives, when Your presence might have stopped it all. Why didn't you come? Now it's too late, because Lazarus has been dead four days!" But Jesus simply had one great truth in answer to all of this. He said, in essence, "You may not understand, but I am telling you that if you believe, you will see."
Abraham could not understand why God would ask him to sacrifice his son, but he trusted Him. Then he saw the Lord's glory when the son he loved was restored to him. Moses could not understand why God would require him to stay forty years in the wilderness, but he also trusted Him. Then he saw when God called him to lead Israel from Egyptian bondage.
Joseph could not understand his brothers' cruelty toward him, the false testimony of a treacherous woman, or the long years of unjust imprisonment, but he trusted God and finally he saw His glory in it all. And Joseph's father, Jacob, could not understand how God's strange providence could allow Joseph to be taken from him. Yet later he saw the Lord's glory when he looked into the face of his son, who had become the governor for a great king and the person used to preserve his own life and the lives of an entire nation.
Perhaps ther is also something in your life causing you to question God. Do you find yourself saying, "I do not understand why God allowed my loved one to be taken. I do not understand why affliction has been permitted to strike me. I do not understand why the Lord has led me down these twisting paths. I do not understand why my own plans, which seemed so good, have been so disappointing. I do not understand why the blessings I so desperately need are so long in coming."
Dear friend, you do not have to understand all of God's ways of dealing with you. He does not expect you to understand them. You do not expect your children to understand everything you do--you simply want them to trust you. And someday you too will see the glory of God in the things you do not understand."
Isn't that an incredible devotion?! Yes, I can trust the One who lifts my head again so that I may watch and see His glory in this.
One more thing before I publish this post, this precious mom is heavy on my heart. I know many of you are praying for Andrew and Melanie. Please, continue to pray for them. She is asking the Lord for 100% healing for her son. Her constant devotion to her family and to her Lord are so evident in every post that she writes. If you haven't stopped by her blog, please do so today.